What Happened to Us
by 100EMERALD
Summary: Two years after the war against Aizen and his Arrancar, Toshiro is forced to come to terms with the events that transpired with his childhood friend Momo. Story takes place during episode 355 at New Years.


_"_ _Captain, you can't keep hiding out in that cave forever. Sooner or later, you have to talk to her. She wants to see you."_

 _"_ _Not until…I've become…stronger!"_

 _..._

And that's what he spent his days doing. Or trying to do, anyways. Training. Becoming stronger. Pushing his body farther than he'd pushed it before and his mind even farther. He needed to be prepared, to be as strong as he could so as not to repeat that day.

Maybe his Lieutenant was right. He was spending quite a lot of time alone. These days it was like she understood him better than anyone, though he would never admit it. She often chided him for avoiding his childhood friend the way he had been these past few months, and when he refused to talk to her, she tried to get him to open up to herself because he wouldn't talk to anyone else. When that failed, she simply watched him in silence as he trained alone in his secret cave. She tried to conceal her presence, but he always knew she was there.

Toshiro knew Rangiku was suffering just as much as he was, if not more. Loosing her own childhood friend and only love at the hands of Aizen had hit her hard. She had tried to convince Toshiro that she was ok, or that she would be in time, and that being able to bury his body had given her the peace she'd needed to move on. He knew better though; on some late nights in their office he swore he still heard her crying. Strangely enough, it was on those nights she was the most helpful, drowning herself in paperwork she would never do regularly in order to escape the lingering pain of loss. Toshiro would find her asleep at her desk with neat stacks of paperwork beside her the following morning.

He never blamed her for how she felt because nothing had really been the same since their return to Soul Society. He remembered the first few days after everyone had stepped back through the portal from Karakura Town. The air was thick with grieving spirit energy, making it hard to focus on anything else, and Seireitei was silent as it reluctantly attempted to resume its normal speed of life. Nobody wanted to reopen fresh wounds of loss, so they didn't acknowledge the war had happened for months. Even two years later, it was still difficult for most people to do more than mention.

Toshiro knew he was luckier than many who fought in the war against Aizen and his army of Arrancar. He had not lost anyone, not physically, but his self-created emotional estrangement from his childhood best friend had hurt him as if he had truly lost her. Sometimes he wondered if it would have been worse if she _had_ died. If he had killed her. He doubted he would have stayed with the Soul Reapers, seeing as though she was the one he fought for and lived for. He had gone to Soul Reaper Academy because his spirit energy was killing his grandmother, but he had stayed because of her. Fighting to protect the one person he truly cared about was the only thing keeping his abilities from going stagnant.

But she lived by some miracle, and the two of them were forced to live with the effects of Toshiro's mistake. Their relationship had become strained in the months following Momo's recovery. He knew she wanted to talk to him, but no words could ever adequately describe the guilt and sorrow he carried with him because of what he did to her. Because of this, their friendship slowly became more distant and they saw each other less and less. The conversations they did have were few and far between and were almost always work related.

That is, until today: New Years Eve. Two days before, Rangiku had approached Toshiro in his cave to tell him about a kite-flying contest Izuru was planning for New Years.

"I don't see what's so important about this contest that you had to interrupt my training to tell me about it, Rangiku," Toshiro stated. "Besides, I've got more important things to do than fly kites."

"I'm sick and tired of you holing yourself up in here all the time! You won't talk to me, you won't talk to Momo-"

"Don't bring that up again."

"You need this, and you're not getting out of going!" His Lieutenant turned on her heel to leave. "We've got all your responsibilities covered for the next three days, so you have no excuse not to show up! I'll drag you by your ear if I have to."

He ended up going, much to his chagrin, and what a shitshow it turned out to be.

Momo had showed up late, just in time to (literally) get swept up in an all out kite war between the high-ranking officials of every squad. In the midst of panic and confusion she managed to grab the wrong rope and was hoisted into the air by an angry mob. It all happened so fast that nobody noticed she was missing or had even shown up in the first place. Nobody except Toshiro.

"Don't worry, I'm coming to get you!" he shouted, "Bankai!"

Not knowing the reason behind her captain's transformation, Rangiku yelled, "Well if that's how they're gonna play, let's show them who's boss! Hado number fifty-eight: Tenran!"

Toshiro was so close -so close- to grabbing Momo when the next thing he knew, they were being swept away in a kido whirlwind. Neither of them knew how far or how fast the wind carried them, but before they had a chance to reorient their senses, they plummeted screaming into a lake. Opening his eyes underwater and noticing Momo next to him, Toshiro put one arm protectively around her waist, and the two of them swam eagerly towards the surface. He let go when their heads broke above the water, gasping for air and making their way towards the shore.

"I am going to kill that woman when we get back!" he growled as he and Momo drug themselves out of the water and onto their backs next to each other. He closed his eyes, letting an angry breath escape from his lips. For a few minutes, neither of them said anything, when all of a sudden he heard sniffles coming from the girl next to him. His eyes shot open and he turned to look at her.

"Momo, are you-"

And that's when she looked back at him, tears spilling from her eyes and bursts of broken laughter coming from her mouth. "They could've just pulled me down," she said in between breaths. "I probably could've let go."

In that moment of post-adrenaline filled relief, Toshiro couldn't help but begin to laugh with her. He, child prodigy and 10th Division Captain, had been bested by angry kite fliers. He had not felt this light in years.

Momo looked at him again, "What happened anyways? I got there at the worst possible time."

"Beats me," Toshiro responded.

"Oh, poor Izuru," Momo said, putting her palm on her forehead, "He was so apprehensive about the whole thing, but I'm the one who convinced him not to call it off." She groaned.

"It's not your fault, Momo. They've never gotten along and I doubt they ever will," replied Toshiro earnestly.

Slowly, Momo sat up, staring across the water at the pastel painted sky. Toshiro followed suit, and the two were silent again. A gentle wind blew across them, chilling the wet robes that clung to their bodies. Momo shivered, hugging her knees to her chest, and Toshiro scooted close enough to her to drape an arm over her shoulder. He'd always preferred the colder months but knew Momo was happiest bathing in summer heat.

"Shiro, what…what happened? To us?"

The inevitable conversation she'd tried countless times to have. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, a defeated sigh escaping his mouth.

"Come on, I'm asking you to talk to me. I need to know what you're feeling, Shiro," Momo said.

 _Shiro._ He didn't even try to correct her because, truthfully, he was surprised she still used that name at all. It had been years since she'd called him that.

"There's nothing to talk about," Toshiro lied. She knew.

"But there is! Do you realize how many years it's been since we've been together like this? I haven't spoken to you in so long, I feel like I don't even know you anymore." The pain in her voice was obvious, but he didn't know what to say in return.

"I just- I'm sorry," was all he could bring himself to say. He knew those words would never be enough to encapsulate all the things he was sorry for. Sorry he had fallen for Aizen's tricks, sorry for hurting the one he loved. Sorry for failing her, for leaving her, for letting their friendship sever. Just _sorry_ for everything _._

"I don't blame you for anything, Shiro. I just want you to talk to me."

Toshiro pulled his arm away and let his head collapse into his hands as he drew his own knees to his chest. "Please don't call me that," he said, defeated.

"Why? Because you think you don't deserve it? Because you think I hate you?" She could see straight into him, and he could hear her voice faltering.

"Is that what you want? For me to say I hate you and never talk to you again so you can spend the rest of your life stuck in your own pity party?"

"No, no, no," he breathed, looking up, but not at her.

"Then what is it you want? Stop running from everything and tell me how you feel! We'll never get past this if neither of us opens up."

He could never begin to tell her how he felt that day. Not truly. He had never forgotten the moment he heard Ichigo screaming at him, the moment he realized she was the one in front of him as he plunged his sword into her back. He didn't remember taking it out, but he remembered her body going limp in his arms; her warm, innocent blood trickling down his frozen hands and staining his robes. His heart skipped a beat and sent pulses of hot and cold shock through his veins. He felt numb, but he could hear distinct sounds of battle raging on around him. The sun became brighter, smells became stronger, the feeling of her dying body against him became more apparent. As she whispered ' _Why, Shiro?'_ he swore he'd seen the last bit of life leave her dark brown eyes for good. He thought he had killed her.

"Nothing will ever go back to the way it was," Toshiro finally mumbled.

Momo sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder, "No, probably not. But I don't think it ever did for anybody."

She was right. The aftermath of war had left its mark on the entire Seireitei, turning dreams into nightmares and nightmares into reality.

"Toshiro, we're getting older and I can't go the rest of my adult life wondering if we'll ever be friends again or not. I know it won't be the same as before, but I want you in my life. More than anything, though, I want to know that you've stopped carrying the weight of all that guilt on your shoulders," Momo said.

Toshiro let a heavy breath out of his mouth, the weight of his emotions suddenly exhausting him. "I wanted to protect you, but I failed you instead. How can I forgive myself for what I did?"

"Because I'm asking you to. And I have just as much to be sorry for as you. I have few regrets, but the emotional turmoil I put you through because of how I felt about Aizen definitely takes the cake," she replied. "I'll forgive you if you forgive me. And yourself."

Toshiro never set out for forgiveness, nor did he expect any. But he was _so tired_ , and he knew his childhood friend had suffered mentally just as much as he had. He didn't think he'd ever fully be able to forgive himself for what he did, but he missed her. He missed the hot summer nights spent eating watermelon on their porch. He missed the days they were both training at Soul Reaper Academy. He missed the times he and Momo had to drag a drunken Rangiku back to bed after a long night out with their friends. But most of all, he missed knowing he had someone to talk to, even if he didn't open up.

"Yeah," he said finally. It was, once again, all he could say.

"I've missed you, you know," Momo stated. She, too, was beginning to feel the weight of their conversation pulling down on her eyelids.

By now, the sun had set below the horizon and the moon's reflection bounced off the lake. Toshiro and Momo were both exhausted from the afternoon's events, but neither of them could bring themselves to stand up and make their way back to the Seireitei. They were quiet again, but comfortably so. For a moment it was like they were young again, before the war, before they had decided to become Soul Reapers, sitting on their porch together in relaxed silence.

Suddenly, a brightly colored flash erupted in the sky across the lake, accompanied by a loud but distant clap. The new year had finally come.

"Hopefully everyone is enjoying the fireworks," Toshiro said softly.

"Happy New Year, Shiro," Momo whispered back. She wove her hand through his elbow and rested her head on his shoulder.

Toshiro planted a soft kiss on the top of her head before leaning his own against it. "Happy New Year, Momo. I've missed you, too."

* * *

A/N: Long time, no see, huh? I don't really know what brought me back here, but I was feeling nostalgic. I haven't watched Bleach in years, but HitsuHina's still got a special place in my heart.


End file.
